Timothy Timothy

Archive for December, 2011|Monthly archive page

Strike Out

In Uncategorized on December 14, 2011 at 7:48 am

Strike out, strike out, strike out.  All the time.  All in one night.

Is there any girl out there for me?  Is forever loneliness my destiny?  I’d like to believe in a world where good things come to good people, but that world is a false one.  I know it.

Most of me wants to treat everyone with the respect they deserve and the honor and grace that I know is in my character to give.  And the other part, the one that’s winning right now, is ready to justify all action for the sake of self-preservation and the building of the ego.  I’ve survived up until this point on nice feelings and gentlemanly conduct, and I will continue to do so.

But there is a strength that I’ve never cultivated that is now coming across the forefront of my life and mind.  You can associate it as the confidence that makes good girls love assholes or the self-esteem of the so many douchebags that wildly roam the world.  It’s self-contained and can create problems, but problems are the least of my problems.

The real work that must happen is inner work;  I could care less about the lasting effects of my actions.  Actions speak louder than words or thoughts, and I don’t care.

Advertisements

Destructed

In Uncategorized on December 9, 2011 at 8:23 am

So many new thoughts have been coming my way, and most of them are so radically different from what I’m used to thinking or considering.  They involve doing things opposite to the way I’m used to, and that’s not a bad thing.

I have friends to stand by me to keep me honest.  And honesty is one of those things I wonder how long I can keep up.

I have love, and I think about what I can do with it.  I wonder what will actually happen.

Then I decide and wonder no more.  Not for the moment.  I decide now and commit myself or else I’ll be destructed.

Random Thoughts Vol. 1

In Uncategorized on December 7, 2011 at 6:10 am

If I present myself online as a famous entity and have the goods and design to back it up, who to say I’m not.  You wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.  The only difference would be in experience, and experience can be faked out.

There is no ideal time to make art.  Now is a terrible time to make anything useful because creation and usefulness are so elusive.  This writing is futile and doesn’t do much in the way of confidence building.  I’d need to work smarter and harder to build any sort of minimal self-esteem.

I have the inspirations of others.  I assimilate aesthetic inspiration.  You just have to make your inspiration beautiful and connect it to me somehow.  I’ll adopt it if it meets those criteria.  Then we can share and have a great time.

If you have a muse, make it a sexy muse.  It’s so much easier and pleasurable to be around sexy people.  I would rather be frustrated by a sexy muse than an ugly one.  Build a good relationship with your muse, and who knows where it can end up?

Light candles at night.  They make things more low-key and relaxing.  Definitely helps a good sleep get better.

What would you give up for the greatest thing in the universe?  Got it?  Well, it’s good you’re willing to sacrifice that much, but you’ll be sacrificing for nothing; whatever your greatest thing is, you’ll never get it because it’s not what you want it to be.

Happiness and The Pursuit

In Uncategorized on December 4, 2011 at 10:25 pm

There’s this crazy concept out there that people search for and some never find.  Some people don’t care about it and it never bothers them.  Certain nations of the world have their whole law systems formed around it.  It often gets too much press for what it’s actually worth.

Happiness is a word that we all understand.  We all understand that we’re supposed to want happiness because happiness is good and healthy and pleasurable.  To some it’s even spiritual, and there’s nothing wrong with a spiritual and holistic view of happiness.

But happiness isn’t the only noble pursuit out there.  Happiness isn’t the capper on a life.  It’s not the be-all-end-all of existence.  How could it be when so much of life is guaranteed to be without it?

Would you rather live a happy life or an interesting life?  Which do you put more value into?

Penelope trunk has an excellent expose on the whole topic of why being interesting is better than being happy.  You should read it.

Apparently happiness isn’t the right priority.  When your goal is happiness, happiness will never really be there.  All you’ll end up with is a word that hardly has any meaning.

I had a conversation with a friend a while ago.  She candidly told me that I create problems for myself when I have none, and I quickly agreed that she was right.  Whenever everything is perfectly balanced, I always seem to be able to find more problems for me to moan about and pain myself with.  Self sabotage?  Am I purposely avoiding the simple happiness that is already present in my life if I just let it come to me?

No.

An interesting life is a life worth living, and I’m making sure that I have plenty of problems to exercise my mind, willpower, intelligence, and problem-solving skills over.  I’m not content with who I am right now, so I better not let myself become content from solving all of the problems in my life.  Contentment is not wholly connected to progress.

I’m doing it right now.  I’m wondering wether I’m being honest and true with this post.  I’m not writing it all stream-of-consciousness style, and part of me is afraid that since it’s not just magically flowing out of my fingertips, then it’s not worth being published.  And now I’m pretty sure I’m just writing this self-analyzing conclusion to add some genuine credibility to this post because the rest of it lacks any real research or authority.  At least I’m being honest with this paragraph, right?  If the rest of these words are full of insanity and self-aggrandizement, then at the very least I have one portion of this article that can stand out and be truthful.

And that is the truth.  I’m not happy with this article, but I’m going to post it anyway because that’s one way I know that I’ll improve myself.  Letting these words sit my drafts folder is absolutely boring and worth quite a bit less to me than it would be in public.  I’m going to make this day interesting and let you see this.

With all of the experiences I’ve had in life, I should have a clear grasp of what happiness could possibly mean to me, but I don’t. What I do know is that I can be a highly interesting person, and that makes me pretty happy.

Cycles

In Uncategorized on December 4, 2011 at 12:59 am

I have to give up on today.

But I haven’t given up on life like I normally do when I feel so internally awful.

When a day passes by and nothing “productive” happens, no studying, no composing, no exercising, I let myself die on the inside because maybe I deserve it for wasting a day away.

But maybe, just maybe I need to learn more about myself.  Maybe I need to be more understanding to my own needs.

Maybe I shouldn’t be analyzing how great or terrible my life is on a day-to-day basis.  Confining myself to 24-hour judgment cycles isn’t the answer.

The answers aren’t contained in a 24-hour period.  They’re more likely to be found in the week.  Even more likely in a month.  A year.  A lifetime.  Cycles are long and hard and happen too often to get upset by each and every time a low and depressive pass comes by.

If all I get done today is that I watch a bunch of episodes of Friday Night Lights and sleep, then I’ll be the better for it tomorrow, but betterment will only happen if I’m okay with what’s already happened today.

Let the cycles flow.

Thank You Friends,

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2011 at 7:28 am

Thank you friends.  Forgive me for my poor writing techniques here.  They don’t matter to you, anyway.  We’re friends.  We both know that things will get better as we go along.  Just be patient with me and you’ll see.  Thanks.

Tonight was a joyful occasion.  I spent it with friends, new and old.  The evening was colored with philosophy and emotional conversation, and I feel like nothing could have gone more right.  Fate made some decisions for me, and I made some decisions with Fate on the backburner.

But was that really me tonight?  Was it me or was it the alcohol speaking?  Should it worry me that some people might think different of me knowing that I now drink alcohol after being so outspoken about never drinking before?  I did drink, it took the edge off, I felt at the top of my game, whatever the game was.

I can’t go out from a night like tonight and not hold true to what I said, at least until I change my mind the next time we have conversation.  I want to be Timothy Grayson here.  I want the real Timothy Grayson to shine through and reflect back to me.  The brutal, honest, dangerous truth is the riskiest.  I have so much to lose, but oh so much more to receive.

I believe in love, friends, and knowledge.  Someday I want to be a hobo.  I’m not ashamed that I want you to be reading this blog and making it more popular.  I have some priorities that could be construed as kind of messed up and shallow (see my philosophy on how to deal with and get girls).  I don’t care about my family enough.  There is enough of me to go around.

I risk getting losing myself again in this interconnected, online universe, but there’s too much at stake not to take the risk.  The potential to gain inner truth and victory is what’s on the table right now, and I’m laying out all my cards.  I may be writing without constraint, but constraint isn’t what is needed right now.

It Does Matter

In Uncategorized on December 1, 2011 at 6:51 am

Yes, it absolutely does matter that I spend the time checking and making sure that all of my Nerf guns are in good working order.  I may need them someday, and they certainly need me.

We are mythical creatures, hooded gypsies, and vagrant warriors.  We don’t need a good reason to waste our time in lovely ways.  Wasting time has massive potential and value.