When Things Can’t Be Done

I just can’t pick up the pencil.

There is important music to be written by me and for me, but it won’t be expressed through me.  There’s a psycho-physical barrier keeping me from the work.

I could break through it.  Maybe I will, but maybe I’ll just desert the path indefinitely and go for people.

There is art to be expressed through my people, and they’re as important an art as music could ever be.

So maybe it’s more important for me to make my way with the social art that I need.

There’s a lot more to lose and be disappointed by, but there’s much more challenge and gain.

Strike Out

Strike out, strike out, strike out.  All the time.  All in one night.

Is there any girl out there for me?  Is forever loneliness my destiny?  I’d like to believe in a world where good things come to good people, but that world is a false one.  I know it.

Most of me wants to treat everyone with the respect they deserve and the honor and grace that I know is in my character to give.  And the other part, the one that’s winning right now, is ready to justify all action for the sake of self-preservation and the building of the ego.  I’ve survived up until this point on nice feelings and gentlemanly conduct, and I will continue to do so.

But there is a strength that I’ve never cultivated that is now coming across the forefront of my life and mind.  You can associate it as the confidence that makes good girls love assholes or the self-esteem of the so many douchebags that wildly roam the world.  It’s self-contained and can create problems, but problems are the least of my problems.

The real work that must happen is inner work;  I could care less about the lasting effects of my actions.  Actions speak louder than words or thoughts, and I don’t care.

Destructed

So many new thoughts have been coming my way, and most of them are so radically different from what I’m used to thinking or considering.  They involve doing things opposite to the way I’m used to, and that’s not a bad thing.

I have friends to stand by me to keep me honest.  And honesty is one of those things I wonder how long I can keep up.

I have love, and I think about what I can do with it.  I wonder what will actually happen.

Then I decide and wonder no more.  Not for the moment.  I decide now and commit myself or else I’ll be destructed.